13. Just like when your looking in the rear view mirror; Thing appear much closer than they really are. There's no reason to be applying to a VP role when clearly you are entry level, no matter what your mom says.
12. Just like how beer goggles work late night at the bar, employed goggles take effect and make hideously unsuited positions look quite appealing... which is all fine and dandy until you get called in for an interview the next morning and have absolutely no idea what they're talking about because you've never coded anything before in your life.
11. You desperately hope for any response from at least one of the hundred applications you've sent out so you start manipulating your responses to see which category may tip the ball in your court but then the company offers you the requested position at minimum wage which you cannot live on just as you asked.
10. You start applying to jobs over 35-40 miles from home and easily can justify how driving over 100 miles round trip daily is not a bad idea but an investment into your future.... future car that is because you know there's no way you're beater will survive thru a winter of that.
9. You start cut, copying, and pasting mass quantities of a standard generic cover letter trying to apply to as many jobs as possible because it will obviously improve your odds.
8. You start quantifying skills you briefly touched on during a class in high school as expertise level to qualify for jobs you most certainly have no grounds to be filling let alone considered.
7. You mistakenly attache a copy of your tax return as a resume because its just one click above the only file you've been staring at on a daily basis for the last day, week, or even month because it is the sole document and opitome of your purpose in the workforce.
6. You start using slang terms like what up and ttyl as professional examples of your esteemed communication skills.
5. You start questioning whether or not to fill in the optional cultural questions as you begin assuming you're not being hired is because they're are too many Caucasians already employed there and being a white American is actually doing you a disservices so you seriously consider what checking the Hispanic box would do for your odds.
4. You start saving you're resume as Hire.Me.Im.a.Rockstar because you want that to be the first thing they will see when downloading or opening your word doc.
3. You start applying to jobs you will absolutely hate but since it's the only one you haven't applied to yet might as well not leave that one out, after all you're not one to leave someone hanging on the outs in a schoolyard pick for dodge ball.
2. You try being nonchalant and mysterious for a cryptic approach you so adamantly believe will make the HAVE to call you just to find out more when in all actuality it gets thrown out after they can't even understand the first few lines.
1. My number 1 reason you shouldn't apply for jobs after midnight and so epically displayed in my previous article, When Your Cover Letter Turns into a Sales Pitch, and you start trying to convince them you know and understand the purpose of the company more than the actual founder.
I hope the satire and intended humorous approach is as easily identified as I feel I am laying it on as I write this post directly after committing my number 1 reason and it is well after midnight.
